I am abandoning Bravenet.  Bravejournal has been a good home to me.  But we must go on our separate paths.

I have moved here.  If you want to communicate with me, you better add my new journal within a week.  I will be deleting my bravenet journal next Sunday November 21.

Hugs to all....

Battle:  Survival of the fittest.......

Well, I may not be the fittest, but I can abso-fuckin-lutely be the sneakiest.

No one threatens me or any aspect of me and gets away with it.

Let this be a warning to all who know me and decide to stab me in the proverbial face rather than my proverbial back.  At least surprize me dammit.

Oh and by the way, I apologize for "c" word in my last entry.  I don't ever say that word unless I deem it necessary.

And...... LET IT BE DEEMED!!!

It's official.

I hate her.

"I fell that if we are going to have a meeting with a mediator it should be the AC.  If you would like me to make the arrangements let me know."

What a fucking cunt!

I tried being nice but she had to be an immature ass about it.  I truly hope she grows up some day.  Now I have to talk to 2 AC's at the same time to see if they can move me since obviously that little bitch can't even speak with me and a mediator.

I'm so pissed off.

This is a play thought by myself.  I'm its creator and I have typed life into the beast.  There are actors but no speaking roles..... only scenes..... imagine that.

Read on!

Scene: 8 am on a cloudy drab Monday.  Resident wakes to hear keys outside of front door.  She gets out of bed to leave for the living room.

Scene: Naked girl standing in living room.  You can practically see the gears turning in her head.  She grabs the deadbolt of the front door.  She can feel the key turning on the other side of the door.  She can't let the key work!

Scene: Tall scrawny BOY named Ttam is standing on the outside.  He is in control of the key.  Fighting to turn the lock to let him into his sanctuary.

To be cont'd....

Does naked girl conquer the deadbolt?!

Or does Ttam overcome the deadbolt?!

For those of you who know my roommate difficulties as of present, an informal meeting has been set up [one word or two.....] between that sniveling little wretch of a roommate and myself with a fellow RA.  I'm tired of trying to be rational and caring and compassionate...... quite frankly breaking the rules for her...... and now I feel taken advantage of.  She however doesn't see it how I see it except that.... quote: "It's my problems" :etouq [that's quote spelled backward, humorous, isn't it?]

Moving on, if the sniveling little wretch of a roommate doesn't move out at the end of this semester, [flash update: I'm going to ASK her to move..... not TELL her to move] I'm going to try my damnedest [word?  correct spelling if a word?] to work something out that I move and bring my dearest Kay and my dearest Cara with me to different building.  I already have the schpot picked out.  It would be, hypothetically speaking, be the Shricker building. 

Convienent enough, John lives in this building.  Convienent store/laundary place are right next to this building.  This building is closer to campus.  This building is away from sniveling little wretch of a roommate.  By moving me elsewhere, there would be 2 new RAs on the ODN staff and 1 new RA on the McWest staff.  Staffs wouldn't be overwelmed with newness. 

Location.  Location.  Location.

It doesn't matter who moves though.  A grand total of 3 people will be uprooted no matter which process happens.  I'm actually hoping, I get to move.

I saw Alfie Friday night.  Not bad movie.  I also saw The Incredibles Saturday night.  Awesome movie.

It's just a mask.... covering the hollowest of all hollow shells.  And I'm coming out of the closet.

I'm not the strong woman I have longed to be.  Growing up thinking I would be a tenacious, unyielding, independent individual.  But I take my mask off for you..... to show you what I really am.

Weak and in need of a constant

AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!

I'm just a little girl cowering in a dark corner from everything and everyone.  Clutching to the darkness as if it were a big comforting blanket.  Yet, one hand still reaching out for that someone to pull me away..... pull me from my comfort zone.

But such a person does not exist.  Only I can throw myself into reality..... the real world.

You're probably wondering what triggered this odd entry.  It all started last night.  Arrived at a party for about 10 minutes..... and...... and left.  I was scared with anxiety.  No reason to be scared.  I was with safe people..... but my mind was telling me differently.  I felt physically ill.  Felt like all eyes were watching me..... boring holes through my body.

So, I flaked.  I left.  I ran to cower in my corner.

Call it a phase.  Call it anxiety.  Call it depression.  I don't know what to call it.  But I do know that I have sunk...... down........ into................ the deep.

You never knew, did you?  I'm a good actress.

Notice the body language.  The body speaks more often than words.  Body language is the quiet, secret and most powerful language of all.  According to experts, our non-verbal language communicates about 50% of what we really mean (voice tonality contributes 38%) while words themselves contribute a mere 7%.  Other studies have have found that our body can "speak" up to 93% of what we really mean.  Our bodies send out messages constantly and often we don't recognize that we're communicating a lot more than we realize.

Take this quiz and see what your body language says about you.  I took the quiz.  Sadly, I'm a flirt..... which puts me in the category I despise at this moment 'cause this is what my entry is about.

Now......... On to the point.  My free consultation.  You can thank me later.  But first let me get this out of the way.  I'm a blunt person..... not very tactful.  I don't mean to offend.

According to Dictionary.com, these are the definitions for flirt and friendly.  This could be valuable information for a "flirt-er" and a "flirt-ee".

flirt   (flûrt)
verb. flirt·ed, flirt·ing, flirts syn: banter, chat up, come hither, come on, coquet, dally, dilly-dally, disport, eyeball, fool, gam, gold dig, hit on, lead on, linger with, lollygag, monkey with, ogle, philander, pick up, pitch, play, proposition, sport, string along, tease, toy, trifle, vamp, wanton, wink at, wolf-whistle

1. To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures.
2. To deal playfully, triflingly, or superficially with: flirt with danger.
3. To move abruptly or jerkily. 

noun,  flirt syn: coquette, vamp, vamper, minx, tease, prickteaser, flirting, flirtation, coquetry, dalliance, toying

1. a seductive woman who uses her sex appeal to exploit men (or vice versa.... duh)
2. playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest

friend·ly   (frndl)
adj. friend·li·er, friend·li·est syn: all over, attached, big, big for, caring, crazy about, crazy for, crazy over, dear, devoted, doting, fond, friendly, huggy, kind, lovey-dovey, loving, mushy, nice, nutty about, open, partial, soft on, sweet, sympathetic, tender, warm, warm-hearted

1. Of, relating to, or befitting a friend:
2. Favorably disposed; not antagonistic:
3. Warm; comforting.
4. User-friendly,  Informal. Easy to understand or use for a specified agent.

Maybe love/lust is in the air.  Flirtatious vibes are floating all over the place.  I hear friends claiming that said person was flirting with them.  I totaly believe them when he/she says that.  It's hard to not see or understand when flirting is going on. 

Here's the tricky part.  Flirting is continuously being mistaken for friendliness.  Why is that?

Are we not reading well enough into the signals?  Are we ignoring some clues and over-dramatizing other clues?  Are we being too hopeful?  Too desparate?  How?  Who's to blame?

I think some are misunderstood because the "flirt-er" doesn't realize what their body is saying.  Hence the "body language" lesson at the top.  Therefore, the "flirt-ee" misinterprets their ren de vous.

Be aware of what you're body is saying.  You're not careless with your verbal words.  Don't be careless your visual words.

I miss my mama.  I do.  And I hope you're reading this!!

Critique was tonight.  She wasn't too pleased with my Billie Holiday cup.  Neither was I but at least I had 3 finished pieces.  After the critique was finished, she then informed the class that if anyone wanted to alter any cups we had a week to do so.  If we wanted to completely redo any or all cups, we still had a week to do it.  I opted to redo my Billie and Sylvia Plath cups.  My Marilyn (sp? I should know the correct spelling..... maybe Cara or Kens would know) Monroe cup was just fine.  I was please with it.

The Cookster came over.  We talked ART TALK.  Good talk.  He had some cake and ice cream.  I know he lives across the street, but I still don't see him often.

Got a concert this weekend.  I'm fairly confident we'll do just fine.  I felt we sounded better than we have been sounding..... particularly the sopranos...... they're quite shrill at times.  I don't know why Dan wanted that many sopranos (11) knowing he had a powerhouse BEFORE he recruited more.  I don't know.....

I'm coughing my spleen and gall bladder up.  Can't stop couching.  I sound like a womanly man now from hacking so much.  Pretty soon, I won't have an appendix cause I'll have that coughed up.

I still have leftover cake.  Please........................... come get some cake and ice cream.  I have 4 quarts of vanilla and chocolate ice cream.  Please................... come get some..........

I am now the proud owner of 3 round spring-form pans.  Mama would be proud/jealous. 

Tonight was my first community builder for the semester.  1 down, 3 to go.  The "get-together" was a "birthday party" for autumn babies.

Last night and today, I baked 2 small double layer white cakes, 2 small double chocolate cakes, 1 large swirl (choc and white) single layer cake, and 2 small TRIPLE layer coconut cakes.  I had chocolate ice cream and vanilla ice cream.  And drinks of course!  All free of course!

How many residents showed up after the first hour and a half?  None.  So, I called every apartment in my building.  How many people showed up after I called?  Six and that included my roommate who had been here the whole time watching movies with me while I waited.  But hey, six people came dammit.  That counts.  I only needed 5.  I achieved my quota.  I even had four people who didn't live in my building come over cake.

Long day tomorrow.  Gotta be in the ceramic's lab at 8 to finish my cups.  Then straight to humanities.  And back to the ceramic's lab.  Immediately followed by chamber choir.  After that, to the ceramic's lab again for critque.

Dammit!  I have the hiccups!

Love you mama.  Kisses

I had just cold. 

I have upgraded myself to more than a cold.  I have yellow/orangish drainage/snot.  Disgusting?  Ding!  The "Ding" was for you, Lauren.

My friends are becoming depressed for reasons and/or no reasons.  That's okay though.  I've been there myself before..... and I haven't been there for awhile now.  To my friends, be happy.  Go see a shrink.  Get some drugs.  Legal drugs may I add?  May I suggest shock therapy?  It did wonders for me.

Kkkkkkk...... I was just joking.  The shock therapy... that is.

I have been watching Mask of Zorrow on TBS for over 4 hours now.  I don't know why.  Call me lazy but I just don't feel like leaning over to my left to flip the channel button.  TBS has ran the movie at least 2 times in a row.

I went to Nashville......... Indiana........ yesterday with John.  We my parents there for lunch and did a little window shopping/shopping.  Dad bought me a really soft stuffed giraffe.  I named HER.... Dali.... for Salavador Dali.  She's so cute.

John had to stop every hour back to Evansville so I could pee.  That's what I get for drinking water cause I can't keep my ass healthy.  And everytime we stopped, it was at a McDonalds.  I must say, the 3 Mc-ieD's bathrooms were rather clean.

I was reading my mama's journal.  She writes about the drama of my grandma and grandpa.  My grandma had pancreatic cancer this summer.  She had surgory and is now undergoing chemo and radiation. 

She's actually my step-grandma.  But she's been in my life for almost 19 years.  She is my GRANDMA. 

But this is where the tricky part comes in.  I don't feel anything.  I'm numb.

I visited her in the hospital a couple times, I even mailed her and grandpa an anniversary card.  But it's all fake!  Just empty visits.  Empty cards with empty words.

Is it because I'm in denial?  Or is it because I'm not next to the situation to experience it firsthand that I become unaware of it's seriousness?  Or am I just heartless?

Even now as I write, I still don't feel anything.  I'm only writing because it worries that I'm not worried. 

I spent approximately 3 hours with Kensington and Cara watching a newer season of Sex and the City on DVD.  It was one of the greatest times I've had in a long time.  It was even more enjoyable because I had seen practically every episode and they hadn't.  So, I got see their little grins just when something good was about to happen.  Thanks girls!

I made a mixed CD with Pure Moods-like music for Kens as well.  I believe she liked it.

I threw my back out too.  Joy!

P.S.  If you haven't read my previous entry, I'm told you should.  Supposedly, it's funny.  I don't find it funny.  Wanna know why?  That's how my brain operates.  I just pick pieces from all kinds of conversations.  Jay Goode says it reminded him of Mad Lib

Scene:  Strawberry blonde (that would be me) sitting in middle of room.  Students on both sides of her and in front of her.  Strawberry blonde (that would still be me) is listening to everything.... can't quite zone out the bullshit.  Professor professing in class.  Students..... studenting in class.  Professor in bold and random students in regular text.

And action!

......own YOUR sex!.....  I'm fat.  Do you think I should try .......masturbation......  Did you hear about the party last night?!  He was so .......being a pedophile.......  But what about ......incest.....  What's wrong with fornicating with your brother?  Perfectly natural for adults to..... Did he just say pedophile?  Yeah, that was awhile ago.  Anyway, my rule of thumb is ...... MURDER!  Number 2 on the sin chart is masturbation.  Oh my god!  He just said ......sperm is a half-child.  If half-child is not in woman to create.....  Fuck!  What'd he say? .....whole child, it is sin...... I can't believe we're discussing ......wasting sperm...... You're sitting on my floss.  Excuse me! .....don't let pornography "peer pressure" your sexuality..... I could go for some good porn right about now..... and some good pot. .....If homesexual marriage were allowed, what would be next?...... We'd marry our dogs.

End scene.

That is the jist of my gender studies class.  I learn so much.  So so so so thankful for my Monday nights.

For starters..... quote of the day.

Quote, "If I had an army, I would want an arm of mimes.  No one would hear them coming." End quote as the idiot that said this proceeded to cut me up with his imaginary swords.  I call this idiot the Swordster.  He is constantly knocking people out with his nonexistent num-chucks (sp?) and beheading the rest with his swords.  Hence...... Swordster. 

I do not know his name.  Nor do I care to know his name if he's going to act this way.  Afterall, we're in college.

The highlight of my day...... CERAMICS!

We worked on the wheel today for the first time.  Not only did I get water and clay all over myself.... I got it all over the girl sitting next to me.  My pants were soaked!  I'm not kidding.  The room was really cold which made the water even colder.  It soaked all the through my stool and onto my butt.  My vagina was numb.  I couldn't feel it.  No joke.  I only wish I were.

I'm currently suffereing from insominia at the moment.  My AIM buddy list is filled with idle people.  No one to talk to..... but myself

Someone in Colorado bought something of mine on Amazon!

Heck yeah buddy!

Although, I only made not quite 6 dollars.  But I did make money for something that's just sitting on my shelves.  Yea me. 

That almost 6 dollars could buy me 3 meals at McDonalds.

What can I say?  When I'm not busy being high-maintanence, I can be a very cheap date. 

On that note, g'night to you all.  Or is morning?  I have a heavy blanket on my window so the light doesn't seep into my world.....................

After a few conversations with different people about a particular subject, I ended with this entry.

If you don't have anything productive or positive to say, don't say it.  I'm tired of your words dripping with antagonistic acid.  Your bullshit is seeping into my ears..... eating away at them..... then it continues down the path to my mind..... proceeding to eat it.

You know what pisses me off the most?  I let you get to me.  I let your despair get to me.  I let you ruin my mood..... my happy thoughts for that moment......

You sit next to me and I listen..... like a genuinely good person does.  But you don't say anything.  You bitch.  You moan.  You whine.  You're a fucking drama queen.  Get over it.  Get on with your life.  You're not healthy for me and you're not healthy for yourself. 

I'm giving full credit to my friend Kensington.  She wrote this: I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

She is completely right.  You say you need  this person in your life because this person makes you happy.  Well, honey..... that person WILL NOT keep you happy for long until you make yourself happy first.

You are your own acid..... eating away at your chances of having a happy normal life.

If reading this makes you think I'm talking about you, you have a guilty conscience.  Though this post is aimed at one person who will obviously remain nameless, I just wanted others to read it and think about it.  I mean, truly think about it..... soak it up..... all of it...... retain it...... use it.

I had a migraine yesterday.  I got it just as I was writing a paper for humanities class that I was 40 minutes late for.  Drove on campus?  I did?  Funny, I don't remember how I got to humanities yet I remember where I parked.  That's what happens when I take my medicine.

But now, I'm still suffering from what I call a headache hangover.  I still have the throbbing headache from the migraine, but I don't have any of the migraine symptoms.  I just feel like I have been out drinking all night and woke up the next morning with a hangover except my morning breath doesn't taste or smell of up-chuck-alcohol.

Today's an easy day.  Only choirs.  And I'm not skipping them!

---

Burgdorf, I'm glad your papaw is in a better place where he can't feel is pain anymore.

---

My mom and I had a talk about something that's bothering me.  I was telling her that we [McWest staff] have to "decorate" bulletin boards at Residence Life.  We were discussing ideas..... everyone wanted to devote both enormous boards to the election.  Why?

There are other things going on that are closer to "home" than something that's happening nationally.  And besides, why tell everyone about the election?  It's in the news, on the radio and internet, etc.  If someone doesn't know anything about the candidates, the candidate's issues, or anything on the election, it's because that person(s) chose not to be informed.  All that information is being blasted at them.  Let them choose to ignore or use it.

My suggestion to the bulletin board idea was get away from the election.  It's in November.  Let somebody else worry about the election since we have the board the first two weeks of October.  Anyway, I suggested something going on locally..... on campus.  I suggested The Laramie Project.  Between the 10 people in the room, only I knew what Laramie was.  They probably thought it was some sort of science project.  Where's the culture around here?  Why do I feel as if the Arts are dying?

So, my AC put me in charge of it and only gave me HALF OF ONE board.  There was pretty much only room for Laramie.  Thanks again Kensington for the info!

I feel as if I may be these people's doorway to the arts.  Afterall, I'm a studio art major.  Most of my friends are theatre majors or art majors.  I'm "in the know" of...... of........ THE ARTS.

Represent

Because I'm a loser, I have to listen to some obnoxious car alarm.  No one is claiming the car..... therefore, the alarm WON'T FUCKING STOP!!!!

Because I'm a loser, I'm skipping both choirs to write a 7-10 page gender studies paper due at 6.  Note the time that this entry is posted.  Now add 20 more minutes to that time.  That's how much time I have to write 2 more pages.

Because I'm loser, I'm skipping a choir to write a paper while my roommate is making kissy sucking noises with her boyfriend in the kitchen as they burn cookies in the oven.

Because I'm a loser, I have writer's bullshit block.

Because I'm a loser, I'm starving because I'm afraid if I take a break to eat, I may lose valuable time to write bullshit more of my paper.

Because I'm a loser, I can find time to write in my journal rather than eat.

I didn't need the food anyway.  I'm gaining wait.  Shut up John.

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

---

Alright, now to the nitty-gritty of the day.  Quotes I would like to share with you:

".....nut in my pants...."
".....makes my ass twitch...."
"Spooge on her car.  Make sure you scrape it on the door handle....."
".....it was plutonic until I saw his penis....."

A conversation I had with Sarah Zeigler (sorry if I butchered the spelling)..... So, ya got your driver license/permit, hunting permit, construction permit, degrees and certificates.  All those things among other non-listed things are pieces of paper.  And these pieces of paper tell the world what you can do, if you can drive, if you can build something, if can do whatever that paper says you can do.

Now here's the good part. 

What's a marriage license?!    I never have fully understood the concept of this particular piece of paper.  Tells the world you're married?  Legally binds you and your spouse together?  Is that all? 

 I've written before about music as memories.  When I listen to a particular band, I think of someone who treated me like shit in the end yet I can only remember the good times when the music is on.  Yeah, well that's history.

I'm talkin' NOW!

Well, I have a new music memory.  This one is for you John.  Great, I'm getting mushy.  I can't make it stop.

Anyway, back to John-boy.  Our music memory is Coldplay.  I can't hear any of their songs without thinking of you.  I was listening to my Yahoo launch and The Scientist (by Coldplay if some of you hadn't picked that one up) came on.  My eyes instantly teared up.  Why?  For bloody sake, I don't know.  Shit happens.  Get over it. 

Continuing on now, my eyes tear up (but no tears fall!) and I began thinking of my John.  Particularly when I hear Trouble (by Coldplay if you still haven't caught on).

Okay now.  I've met my girly quota for the month.  I'm finished until October and then I have to fill up the "quota vile of girly moments".

G'night to you all.  Kisses.......

And one last kiss....

I love ceramics but I loathe it.  The prof is making us build these vessels....... she wants us to make something that symbolizes something important or how we feel.  Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm, no?  I don't think so.  You can't make someone create something based on one feels.  We're not steak dammit!  You can't order us.  So, I skipped.  I'm gonna put something together at the last minute and come up with some bullshit symbolism........ wouldn't be the first time I bullshit an art class.

Humanities......... I'm not quite sure what to think.  Our prof told us today that she strongly recommends that we DO NOT read our book. 

Why did we buy it?  Well, I didn't buy it.  I just look at Sarah's cause we're in the same class.  Anyway, why did the other people buy it?  To look at the pictures.  She instructs us to LOOK at the pictures and not read any of the information in there because the information differs from her own opinions.  What the fuck?  We can't know what the author(s) opinions are?  Only hers?  Isn't that part of education?  To know all the possible information there is and gather your own opinion?. 

Although, if she doesn't want us to read the book, she obviously will not being questions on our exams based on the book....... so I'll study whatever she tells us.

I'm going home for the weekend!  I get to see my kitties.  And................... and.......... John's going to Tennessee for the weekend.  Ass....... I wanted him to come home to Indy with me.

But I still have a gender studies (7-10 pages worth) paper due Monday night.  Shit.

Something from the news on a "national" level:

London 'call girl' gives up blog

The infamous call girl who recorded her liaisons and encounters with clients on her web diary, or blog, has signed off.  Bell recounted her preparations like stocking rinsing.

You can read the rest of the article here for those of you who are Belle de Jour groupies.

---

Something from the new on a more "weird/psycho" level:

John and I were driving down the Lloyd (west side).  I'm looking over at the stores.  The back of the buildings face the Lloyd.  They all have their little back doors.  Then this one particular door caught my eye.  It was a screen door.

And then I looked at the store.  It was a Chinese buffet.  Well, right outside their door they had a wheel barrow!

It worries me when I see a wheel barrow outside of a Chinese restaurant.  Why on earth would they need a wheel barrow?  It baffles me.

Because I am bored, I found a website to translate English into another language.  More of the Asian languages do not show up.  I assume it's because some Asian languages use characters.  So, I am writing all of this in my favorite language...... Italian....... even though I do not know how to speak it except "ciao".

Oooooooooo, I love this idea!  I'm definitely saving this website to my "favorites" list!

I wonder if does bad words!?



I think I will let you do that one on your own.

I'm rather glad I took humanities this semester.  Sure, I have an eccentric woman as a professor but I can handle that.  Sure, she's anal-retentive but who doesn't have their moments.  And sure, this class is flirting with my gender studies work as well.

I gotta love that!  My studies in these classes are intertwining with one another.  It's opening my eyes........ wider........ my eyes were opened to begin with metaphorically speaking.

But in humanities, I like the idea of women being important.  And in gender studies, a little hint of a rage flares up in me because women aren't important or necessary or equal.

I may not understand gender studies the first time around but I certainly do understand it when explained in smaller words.  I have a complex mind but simple vocabulary I suppose.

I have a travel bug..........

I'm looking into going to Greece and Italy this summer of 15 days with the university.  I don't know how I'm going to work it out but I will manage something.

Wish me luck.