I was reading my mama's journal.  She writes about the drama of my grandma and grandpa.  My grandma had pancreatic cancer this summer.  She had surgory and is now undergoing chemo and radiation. 

She's actually my step-grandma.  But she's been in my life for almost 19 years.  She is my GRANDMA. 

But this is where the tricky part comes in.  I don't feel anything.  I'm numb.

I visited her in the hospital a couple times, I even mailed her and grandpa an anniversary card.  But it's all fake!  Just empty visits.  Empty cards with empty words.

Is it because I'm in denial?  Or is it because I'm not next to the situation to experience it firsthand that I become unaware of it's seriousness?  Or am I just heartless?

Even now as I write, I still don't feel anything.  I'm only writing because it worries that I'm not worried. 

Sweetie - you're not heartless your 20. It is hard to grasp the concept of age and illness at 20. And it is hard to imagine someone who has been there your whole life not being there. Face it all your grandparents are getting up there. Don't be too hard on yourself - they know how much you love them. The mind and spirit just go into autopilot when faced with situations like this. Your heart is just fine I'm sure. Love A. Allison

Aunti A. is a wise woman. You both are actually. You haven't really had to experience a close loss, and I pray it's a long time before you do. And yes, you are removed from the situation. It's very different when you are in direct contact with it. And too, everyone reacts differently, Your dad doesn't show much emotion about it either, and yet I know that he's concerned... this is just one of those things that he's not well equiped to handle. And maybe I am because of losing my mom... who knows... just don't worry about how you feel. You know you love them and they know you love them... that's all that matters xoxo